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Death by Champagne Cork

By Daniel Foster01 Apr 2024

It’s true. An average of 24 people are killed each year by flying champagne corks. It happens at weddings, so I checked for mother-in-law percentages, but no one has researched it.

From 1978 to 1995, 37 people died in altercations with vending machines. I know your first question: how many vending machines were convicted? Not a single one. So if you want to get away with murder, frame a vending machine.

And it doesn’t end with humans. Recently, adolescent sea lions have been running around with dead eels hanging out of their noses. Maybe they inhaled them while sniffing for food, but when the researchers asked, the teenage sea lions just gave them sullen stares.

However, we do know that in New Zealand, almost 1 in 5 sea lions dies of tuberculosis. No word yet on how they catch a lung ailment on the ocean floor.

One in five humans dies of a particular ailment, too: heart disease. It’s the number one killer in America. Even when COVID was at its horrific peak, it didn’t kill as many of us as heart disease did.

That’s why, at Transonic, we build the best flow measurement equipment in the business. Heart disease preys on us like vending machines stalk janitors in the night. Seriously though, CABG surgery is a frightening proposition for anyone. That’s why we’re here. We equip surgeons with the tech they need so they can know, not just place two fingers on a vessel and hope that your bypass graft is delivering enough blood to your heart.

So don’t let your surgeon perform your bypass without us.

And never get in a car with a vending machine you don’t know.

Happy April Fool’s Day,

               Transonic Systems Inc

                               The Measure of Better Results